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Before we go on I have to warn you: we’re getting into rarefied territory as we reach players 30-11 in the top fantasy players of all time countdown. You might want to don safety goggles before you look at the list, because gazing on numbers of this awesome power could sear your retinas and leave you temporarily blinded.

See the first post of this series for more on my methods. I should also note that I laboriously checked each of the seasons in each of the top 30 players’ careers, so these numbers are reliable reflections of these players’ abilities at their peak. Without further ado:

Bet you didn’t expect to see Alvin Robertson’s name so high on this list, did you? Especially since most of his numbers, though perfectly respectable, don’t really knock your eyes out. However, the number to hone in on is his 3.7 steals, one of the most stunning accomplishments in the history of professional basketball. This is a league record, but even that doesn’t bring home the magnitude of this feat.

My system evaluates a stat based on how many standard deviations it is above or below the score of an average player on a representative fantasy team drawn from last year’s league (ESPN/NBA does something similar). By this metric, Robertson’s steals are the most dominant performance in any category by any player on this list, a towering achievement given the many statistical monsters I have shown—and am about to show—you. (Second place belongs to David Robinson’s and Dikembe Mutombo’s 4.5 blocks). Alvin, I’ve read claims that you were only voted on to the all-star team because the Spurs stuffed the ballot box, (http://www.mysanantonio.com/sports/In_time_The_way_to_adjust_a_standard.html ) but you can be on my all-star fantasy team any day.

How do you like Rick Barry’s .904 free throw, shooting underhanded? His sons Brent and Jon only shot .823 and .848 respectively for their careers, so perhaps it was the method and not just the genes that did the job so effectively.

I went to college in Boston during the heyday of the Celts 80s championship run, and believe me, it took the patience and fortitude of a lama to go down to the Lowell House TV lounge to watch the NBA on CBS on a Sunday afternoon. Nothing was worse than the Celtics fans of that era (including my current fantasy opponent Whipping Post), whose insufferable boasting about their own squad was matched in its obnoxiousness only by their denigration of my Bulls (who at this time were still working their way up the ladder). Honest to god, I was forced to listen to inane lectures about how Jordan was a selfish scorer who would never get a ring.

I wanted nothing more than to see the Celts dismantled and that ugly little leprechaun choking on his pipe, so it’s a testament to his greatness that Kevin McHale (not Bird) became one of my favorite players of all time. Nothing could compare to McHale’s arsenal of twisting moves around the hoop. Celts announcer Johnny Most—you had to hear him to understand what I mean about Celtics fans—used to say McHale put his defenders “in the torture chamber.” Uh, I’d say that a .604 field goal percentage means that your defenders were in the torture chamber, all right.

(BTW, if you heard McHale in the broadcast booth during the Rookie/Sophomore game, you should agree with me that he’s an extremely smart dude as well.)

Like Scottie Pippen, McHale subsumed his efforts to the team, but in 1986-7 he showed just what he could do if called upon. I guess I have to admit in retrospect that the Celts did have quite a squad: in fact, with McHale on this list at #13, Robert Parish at #71, and Larry Bird, it’s almost surprising that this statistical machine only won three championships.

Speaking of Bird, you’ll notice he hasn’t appeared on this list yet. I guess that means he scores lower than Jason Terry, the 94^th player. Or maybe, just maybe, Bird’s in the top ten. If he is, who knows, maybe he’ll be joined by a certain someone out of Lansing, Michigan who hasn’t appeared yet either. On the off chance they’re both in the top 10, that just might mean I am about to definitively answer one of the greatest basketball questions of all time—Bird or Magic?

Other questions abound. Who is the greatest fantasy player currently active? Is that-selfish-scorer-who-will-never-win-anything as good in fantasy as he was in reality?

And who was the greatest fantasy player of all time? All will be revealed, coming up.